157.33 days of Hope remain...

157.33 days, or 5 months, 7 days 7 hours 50 minutes

[very private...only re-publish if you are somehow affiliated with Persa]

Ever feel like you're more of a woman than a man?

Are the only people that hit on you gay or lesbian?

Welcome to my nightmare. I'm not for sure if it was the Southern Baptist brainwashing or unknown sexual abuse when I was younger, but I have some real sexual identity problems...

I don't even think about sex much...in fact I've only made out with 2 people ever lol. I've lost all interest in both sexes for little under a year and a 1/2 and it is possible that the woman who has incessently haunted my dreams for so long will even reject me in the future. All of my family + friends tell me it is hopeless, that humans are -- in fact -- not good enough to return kind act for kind act. And I tend to agree more and more after each passing year, after each passing betrayal.

We are conditioned to believe we are "lesbian" or "straight", "male" or "female"...why can't we be all four at the same time? Each at different times? Some days I feel female, some days masculine... Rarely I am attracted to some guys, too...far more frequently women. Long ago I excised attraction based on outside beauty from my personality. While Persa is by all means *very* beautiful on the outside, it is what is on the inside that attracted me to her...Indeed I was attracted to her just as much when she had her clothes on and she has one hell of a killer smile omfg.

I believe that in our fucked up culture we are very much conditioned to "identify" with one ism or another to the sole exclusion of all others. You can't be homosexual one day and heterosexual the other..no...for this we have another one: Bisexual! Yet it's against the law (seriously) to have sex with more than one person in virtually all the states, so it is technically illegal to *ever* practice 'bisexual' acts.

So...If you've already decided that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and you've been waiting patiently, with no confirmation, for years, and then they automatically tell you "Oops...I cannot love you any more simply because i choose to categorize myself a "homosexual" and I dont' want to be hypocritical", would it be totally insane to ... well... give up all aspirations of fulfilling them sexually just so you can be with them mentally?

I have mental relationships cornered. Every single woman I've ever had a mental relationship wtih thinks I am awesome...I have a 100% success rating and the only reason not one relationship has ever lasted more than 6 months is because I have been betrayed by them or -- in an extraordinary case -- forced apart by fascist regimes. Persa gave me her word she would wait, and that alone has sufficed me until really quite recently, a matter of weeks maybe.

I used to dread the 682 days that loomed between reuniting with her...When my life was absolutely unbearable, when i was on the street jobless, moneyless, friendless, familyless, loved by no one in my immediate vicinity, lost, adrift, confused, severely hormonally imbalanced, and *utterly* alone during certain periods of 2004...I still had hope! Hope in one thing and one thing only: Reuniting with Persa. I willed myself time and again to simply LIVE FOR THAT DAY...

For 8 months that was all I could do. I poured myself into xMule to pass time away but it moved like molasses and each day felt like an eternity. On 26 August 2004, clear out of no where...I spontaneously snapped out of my funk and for the first time in 272 days told my father to fuck off when he started to habbitually abuse me. I immediately left that hellhold euphmistically called a house and joined the LaRouche Youth campaign until the disasterous 2004 elections. September 04 when I was in california helping them was one of the better times of my life and I made several good friends.

I have much to talk about, little time, and time is moving away quickly! Let me suffice it to say that for the first 6 months time couldnt' go by fast enough and in the last 6 months time is moving ultra fast and I am *begging* for more time ... for more hope.

Let me savor every day that I can honestly believe that Persa still loves me and may the day never come that I find out otherwise.